Losing Now

I sit here with the tv blaring some war documentary which is mere noise in my cluttered house.  The house itself is simply noise.  Big Liberty Blue lies dejected on its side against the living room wall staring sorrowfully at me.  The bicycle repair stand legs are extended but the clamp is bent down in disgust and embarrassment.  I have failed them both and my mental coping abilities have taken a turn for the worst today.

Simple things mount in my life as I give undeserved mental weight to their importance.  This is what is happening with my inability to perform simple maintenance on Big Liberty.  Her bicycle computer could not be made to work, the light no longer shines, and I cannot adjust her front brakes.  While trying to adjust the front breaks I have now made the bike unsafe to ride and must admit defeat and take Big Liberty to a Bike Shop.  The bike shop will be busy because of the time of season keeping the bike out of my hands for a few days.  Another waste of money to be added to my growing list of money wastes.

The only good news from this Sunday is that I have continued to eat properly.  That little success is not enough to prevent me from slipping into a morbid depression.  This will sound funny to most of you, but my inability to work with things at a mechanical level leaves me feeling like a failure as a man.  Funny to some, this feeling is very real and damaging to my psyche.

At this moment nothing in the world seems pleasing in my eyes.  I just feel useless and alone.  This is depression.

I have dumped quite a bit of cash preparing for my bicycling life. My 19-year-old son is doing his best not to allow his eyes to roll around in his head as I yap excitedly about my bicycling dreams. The poor guy has heard it so many times before. The habit of hyping my near future endeavors has taken its toll on my credibility and my son’s patience. Thankfully my wife sees a new spark in my eye and is willing to believe this one more time. (more…)