Losing Now

My story is in three parts.
The beginning:
We moved from the city to the country in one of the first subdivisions made in the county. I was in third grade, skinny as a rail, and for the first time friendless. I withdrew and became a fat angry kid, making it harder to find friends. High school was approaching and I knew I better do something. I started riding the Schwinn my dad had bought me before we moved. It began to be a bit small, but I road it everywhere. While kids were starting to get into the bmx game, i was a road cyclist through and through. In 1979 I saw the movie Breaking Away, found weight training, and went crazy. Unfortunately I was able to buy a car shortly after that and the bicycle was forgotten. I never did learn how to take care of the bike. I was not mechanical, my dad was. He had tools, and I was not allowed near them.

The Middle:
In the Army with a young family I was lured into the mountain bike world. It was all the rage and road bikes were hard to find. Forgetting that I loved the road ride and that I wanted a bike to commute around the installation. I bought the best mountain bike I could buy…a cheap heavy thing that did not fit me. I never liked that bike. Soon after I was stationed at Germany and by the time my bike caught up to me I left the Army and went back to Missouri. My bike was stolen in transit. You might think this was a good thing and I would learn. Surely Jumbo would get a road bike replacement.

Out of the Army without Uncle Same threatening me with jail or monetary penalties if I got out of shape, I got out of shape. My buddy suggested biking. I had no money so of course I bought the best that my credit could afford, a Schwinn Impact Pro mountain bike. Never mind that Schwinn was about bankrupt and that I hated the feel of the mountain bike or that I road on roads or bike paths. I quit riding without putting many miles on the bike.

Last part:
I have become Jumbo. I want to get myself in shape. Well, I am so far gone that I can only think about swimming or walking to get back into shape. Walking is so slow. Swimming requires going somewhere special. Well heck. What about biking? Nah, no one has ever seen a 300 plus rider. I looked around the net and found Tom. Seeing that picture of him on a x-mart bike with an oxygen tank on his back was pretty impressive. I started pricing bikes. Road bikes this time.

Well it should have been a road bike. I found myself on mbt and discovered 29ers. The Karate Monkey. I was ready to buy and went to my lbs to have them build one up for me. They laughed me out of the store. No, they did not literally laugh, but they made it quite clear I had no business betting on a bicycle. I was demoralized and forgot about riding.

For the next several months I tried to get myself excited about walking. Oooh, I was going to get into speed walking, marathon walking, hiking, blah. Walking is great, I just wanted, well I wanted to be a cyclist. I found a few other guys as big as I am that were riding. After bugging people around the clock I spec’d out my Big Liberty Blue and had her built by a shop in Mn. While I can’t quite say that I am riding yet on a consistant basis, I am very close. Magic will happen again.

Weigh-in was Friday and it was a disappointing loss of 1 pound.  With all the work I have put in I was expecting a larger loss.  My cardio exercise has been consistent and vigorous.  I have measured my food and tracked my caloric intake.  What do I have to show for this effort?  One pound lost.

It is not as bad as I make it seem.  I know that I have gained muscle mass.  My legs, back and stomach are stronger.  Slow and steady is what I really want, and that is what I am getting.  If I lose the weight too quickly it means that I am losing muscle and organ tissue with the fat.

Man, looking to lose 153 pounds is such a daunting task.  It is better than the original 172 pounds that I needed to lose, but I want it all to melt away today.  It is a sad conundrum.

John Paul was heavy all of his life, but ballooned to the mid-300’s when he went to college.  Read his story Here.

Today, being another day, has led me out of  ‘feeling sorry for myself’ land.  The depression still lingers at the edge of my reality, but it is not influencing my efforts.  I managed a nice, long walk this morning and am feeling pretty good. (more…)

I sit here with the tv blaring some war documentary which is mere noise in my cluttered house.  The house itself is simply noise.  Big Liberty Blue lies dejected on its side against the living room wall staring sorrowfully at me.  The bicycle repair stand legs are extended but the clamp is bent down in disgust and embarrassment.  I have failed them both and my mental coping abilities have taken a turn for the worst today.

Simple things mount in my life as I give undeserved mental weight to their importance.  This is what is happening with my inability to perform simple maintenance on Big Liberty.  Her bicycle computer could not be made to work, the light no longer shines, and I cannot adjust her front brakes.  While trying to adjust the front breaks I have now made the bike unsafe to ride and must admit defeat and take Big Liberty to a Bike Shop.  The bike shop will be busy because of the time of season keeping the bike out of my hands for a few days.  Another waste of money to be added to my growing list of money wastes.

The only good news from this Sunday is that I have continued to eat properly.  That little success is not enough to prevent me from slipping into a morbid depression.  This will sound funny to most of you, but my inability to work with things at a mechanical level leaves me feeling like a failure as a man.  Funny to some, this feeling is very real and damaging to my psyche.

At this moment nothing in the world seems pleasing in my eyes.  I just feel useless and alone.  This is depression.

Main Entry: ad·dic·tion
Pronunciation: &-’dik-sh&n, a-
Function: noun
1 : the quality or state of being addicted <addiction to reading>
2 : compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

Webster’s Dictionary

My personality is prone to addictive behavior. When I was younger I drank to excess every time I drank. I do not know if I could be classified as an alcoholic, but it took my four year old son to tell me he hated me ‘like last night’ to stop drinking. After that day I stopped drinking, but there are times I still want to get that old buzz. It is only the knowledge that my drinking hurts my family that keeps me from drinking again.

It is not just alcohol, AKA drugs, which I have found myself addicted. World of Warcraft, a computer game, took hours, days, and months from my life. An innocent computer game that many play in moderation pulled me away from reality and living. After I watched “We Lost 800 Pounds“ (blog post here), myself I quit playing World of Warcraft. Not only did I quit playing, but I deleted everything pertaining to the game to avoid playing it again. There are still times I crave playing the game.

I am also addicted to food. Unlike alcohol and video games, I can not quit eating. In emotional situations, times of boredom, and when I smell or eat certain foods I go on an eating binge. These are triggers. These situations trigger an abnormal eating response and in the end I became obese.

Scientists have discovered that a chemical, dopamine, is released by our brain when we smell or eat food. The dopamine reacts to dopamine-receptors in our brain to cause a feeling of pleasure and satisfaction. It has been found that obese people have fewer dopamine-receptors than non-obese people. The lack of dopamine-receptors leads to the ingestion of greater than normal food to gain that satisfaction feeling that comes sooner to those with more dopamine-receptors. This becomes a vicious cycle because the more our brain is saturated with dopamine, the more we lose dopamine-receptors as our bodies try to maintain an equilibrium. This is the very same thing that is found happening in the brains of drug addicts. You can find information about these studies here.

Does this mean there will soon be magic pills to make it so obese people don’t overeat? Scientists are working on this type of cure for addictions of all kinds, but they are nowhere close to finding a solution. What it does mean for the likes of me is that I now know that there are situations that can create a physiological situation that is resolved through overeating. We need to learn our trigger points and avoid them, or replace them.

The Historian talks about replacing peanut butter, a trigger food for him, with a peanut butter like food that does not cause him to binge. Spaghetti is one of my trigger foods. Once I start eating spaghetti I simply can not stop eating. I have not found a replacement food for spaghetti like Historian did for peanut butter, so I simply avoid it.

Are we doomed to struggle with this overeating because we lack dopamine-receptors? I have both good news and bad news for you. The bad news: there is no real understanding or cure for those of us with this problem. The good news: there is a known treatment that requires no medical insurance.

Exercise is the key to the dopamine situation. Exercise releases dopamine in our system and has been shown to build dopamine-receptors. This is a double bonus wrapped up in one activity. When you find yourself having triggered a need to binge you can exercise instead of eat to acquire the dopamine your body seeks. The more you exercise, the more dopamine-receptors you will have, meaning you will need less dopamine in your system to gain the pleasure or satiated feeling you seek. If you feel sad, go ride a bike. Do you feel happy and want to celebrate with cake and ice cream? Go for a vigorous walk and meditate on what made you so happy. You will avoid the binge, burn calories, and feel much better for doing the exercise.

Don’t let more than one day go by without exercising your body. Keep the dopamine in your system and build those receptors.

BMI or Body Mass Index is the quick and easy way insurance companies and weight loss groups are using to determine your level of fitness.    It is my opinion that this index is worthless.  The index itself takes in no factors other than weight and height.  This might make for a quick and easy number for you to compare to a chart to learn about your health, but that number really correlates to nothing in reality. (more…)

My first ride on Big Liberty Blue (BLB) ended in a tip-over.  It was not a crash, but a slow fall to the side.  As I turned my seat, saddle, twisted in the seat post throwing my balance off.  I could not remove my foot from the pedal fast enough to stop the bike from falling to the ground.

My second rid on BLB came after I fixed the saddle issue.  I rode a quick mile before pulling her into the garage for the night.  BLB road wonderfully, but I am rusty.  My center of gravity felt strange and the extra weight on my body was difficult to control.  My back and stomach muscles strained to maintain my body in a proper balanced position.  What fun I had that ride.

My third ride was a little over 2 miles long.  Again my back and stomach muscles were a bit sore after the ride and the top of my thighs burned from being used.  I will repeat this 2-mile jaunt several times as I get used to riding again.  The ultimate goal is to commute to work, a 20 mile round trip, July 10th.

The Historian, AKA Neil, has written a post in the bike forums concerning  “Core Muscles” and how to strengthen them.  This post is well worth your time.  Neil also writes an excellent blog about his cycling escapades and life in general, Historian on 2 Wheels: From 0 to 100.

I mentioned earlier that I was going to start riding a bicycle as part of my FUN and exercise. My eventual goal is to commute to work, a 20 mile round trip endevour. Yesterday I finally finished putting my new bicycle together and took it out for my first ride. What utter joy it was to have the wind in my hair again, allowing me to utilize old cliché’s.

My bike is built from a Surly Long Haul Trucker road frame that is a wonderful steel blue color. I had the wheels hand built to extra strong specifications to make sure they supported my weight. She rides as if floating through time bringing me back to days before worry and stress. She liberates my soul as I we ride together. She is my Big Liberty Blue.

Mauia used to weigh 380 pounds — pretty big, but especially big for a guy only six feet tall. He went on a diet, lost more than 100 pounds and became a fullback. Here’s the secret to Mauia’s diet: no sugar, no carbohydrates, extra helpings of dedication and Samoan pride. He now weighs 270 pounds, runs the 40-yard dash in 4.8 seconds and answers to the nickname ”Juggernaut,” a reference to a comic book character who, once given even the slightest amount of momentum, can plow his head and body through any object.

At times I have felt that I was too far gone to do anything about my weight. Those times fed my excuses to quit trying, to get off an exercise plan, to eat a gallon of ice cream. Reagan Mauia could have used those excuses. He was even bigger, with more body fat than I am. Click here for a bit of his story.